Growing up I always set limits for myself. They were almost like some sort of ritualistic, OCD-type behaviors but they kept me in line. They ranged from the places I’d never go (bars) to clothing I’d never wear. I set standards for the type of person I wanted to be and the type of people I wanted to hang out with.
I moved to Charleston three years ago and recently moved back to Florence. I had graduated from college and was working for the same company that I worked for during most of my time living in Charleston when I decided to move back home. I had a sense of independence and freedom that I never had while living at home.
My decision to move home was not an easy one but I thought it was the best plan considering my parents were cutting me off financially, I was very unsure of what work I wanted to pursue and all of the friends I made had already moved away to pursue their dreams. I didn’t know what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be.
At that point, right before I moved back to Florence, I lost it all. Every wall that I built for myself came crashing to the ground and in two months I did more in Charleston than I had in the three years of living there. I went out partying for weeks at a time. I went to some of the sketchiest places and had some of the weirdest conversations with people. This lifestyle continued as I tried to “find myself” in Florence.
I knew that it was just a transition period but I was so unsure of what I wanted to do with my life.
About a month ago, I realized that even though I was so unsure of myself, I knew better than to believe that what I was doing was very “me.” I felt so ashamed and depressed. I woke up from an all night drinking binge and had to piece together what happened that night. I put myself in some pretty compromising positions, and that scared me. The next day I had to go to my friend’s baby shower, and I could barely function. I couldn’t shake the anger, depression, guilt, remorse, etc until the week after that happened.
People my age keep telling me that I didn’t do anything wrong and that it’s normal to go out and have fun. I used to be such an optimistic person. I love to have fun and be around people. The heavy drinking and late nights were taking away my spirit. I became mean to the ones who love me the most for no reason except for my own personal guilt.
So here I am today. I haven’t drank since that night, and I have vowed not to go to sketchy bars/ clubs or associate with people who could take advantage of me. I won’t drink again until I have a better head on my shoulders.
I want to be happy again. I want a group of friends who are at the same point in life and share the same goals in life. No doubt, I love my friends but I can’t keep living a life full of regret and guilt.
I don’t know what I want in life, but I know what I don’t want. I am going to be happy again, I am going to find my place in life, and I won’t let anything stand in my way.
This is my own journey to adulthood.
